Category Archives: Horrorscopes

Hopeless, Maine Horrorscopes

Hopeless Maine Horrorscopes

Virgo: September may have been the cruelest month for you. You will survive it, but you may wish you hadn’t.

Libra: You love balance, which is unfortunate because the next few weeks will see your life spinning out of control. You have an above average risk of dying in an improbable, work-related accident.

Scorpio: This month, an illicit love affair from your past may come back to haunt you. Quite possibly in a literal sort of way.

Sagittarius:  This month is all about love and money for you. Beware of anyone offering you gold, as their designs on your body may not be what you had hoped for. Turn down invitations to mysterious gatherings and offers of hairy coffee.

Capricorn: You are made of bad ideas at the moment, and are the single biggest threat to your own life until after the full moon. Then your immediate family and neighbors become your biggest death threat.

Aquarius: Now is a singularly bad time to do any serious digging. Best ignore what other people have gone to the trouble of burying, even if it is in your garden.

Pisces: You should learn a new skill this month. How to stitch wounds, detect poisonings and how to undertake an exorcism would all work well for you.

Aries: Don’t get too excited. If it looks promising now, it’s just lulling you into a false sense of security.

Taurus: The stars have aligned really badly for you this month. You may start to feel there’s just no point to anything – and you’d be right!

Gemini: Beware of falling trees, tall, dark haired men who lack for hats, and surprise chickens.

Cancer: Shipwreck foraging will lead to splinters in your hands, and these will go nasty and swell up and possibly kill you, and if not you, your social life.

Leo: Keep asking the awkward questions and you will eventually get to the truth, although you aren’t going to like the truth in the slightest.

 

Words by Nimue Brown

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The return of the Horrorscopes.

Hopeless Horrorscopes from Mystic Mary

Cancer: Your high risk activities for this month are roof repairs, window cleaning, hat making, and chasing goats after nightfall. Avoid doing these things and you’ll survive the month.

Leo: Your self confidence always gets you into trouble. No one likes your latest ideas anyway. Get over it, and stop trying to impress people so much. It won’t help you but the rest of us will feel better.

Virgo: Just because it floated ashore in a recent shipwreck doesn’t make it a good fashion choice.

Libra: It’s your reluctance to act that’s most likely to get you into trouble this month. If you wait for others to make the first move, it could be the last thing you don’t do.

Scorpio: It’s not a good time to plan changes. Ignore schemes from Leo friends, these will only get you into trouble. However, it is an auspicious month for dealing with problematic Librans in your life.

Sagittarius: Wear a big hat and extra layers of clothes and the odds are no one will notice.

Capricorn: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Even if you are dead, if you’re reading this, it hasn’t been a total setback, has it?

Aquarius: The moon will be influencing you this month. Pay close attention to personal grooming and make sure to shave every few hours.

Pisces: Avoid encounters with the night soil man for your best chances of surviving the month.

Aries: Watch out for plans backfiring and angry chickens. But, you’ve got a more than fifty percent chance of survival, thanks to Uranus.

Taurus: Be careful where you put your feet and for the next few weeks, never put on shoes without checking to see who or what is already inside them.

Gemini: Expect awkward questions about personal hygiene this month. You’ll just have to try and stay down wind of everyone until the new moon brings some relief.

 

Words by Nimue Brown-art by Tom Brown