What doom awaits us in the coming months? How are we most likely to die this year? What ghastly things might our foes be planning? Is there anything we can dare to trust?
Capricorn: Your greatest challenge for this year is to overcome the deep mistrust of others. If you spent most of last year convinced you had turned into a donkey, this will be especially serious. Of course if you did actually turn into a donkey you probably aren’t reading this. As a donkey, you are far more trustworthy anyway. Stay away from loose roof tiles and do not eat the thistles, no matter how tempting they look. One way or another, cannibalism is your greatest risk for this year.
Aquarius: It’s going to be a great year for finding hidden treasures and buried wealth. Obviously some of these items will turn out to be cursed and/or murderous. Don’t try not looking for them, because even if you aren’t trying, fate is bound to bring some of them your way. There is no escape. Dogs will be especially likely to try and kill you this year, and it is a terrible time to take up a new hobby.
Pisces: Big decisions this year will include deciding whether to live in your water butt, whether to get out of the sea or whether to seek a new pond – depending on what you did last year. Your chances of drowning are slim, but the odds of being eaten by something in the waterbutt are more than zero. You are at particular risk from nameless entities falling out of the sky and crushing you to death.
Aries: All that work you did on self improvement last year has paid off, but it means your risk of being murdered by people you have annoyed is also higher than usual. Do not be tempted to take in and rear any unusual looking chickens. If you’re still wearing bells from last year, now would be a good time to put them on your children or any other small entities that are known to be living in your house. It’s best to avoid surprises.
Taurus: You are most likely to die in a surreal accident of your own making. Unfortunately this accident is most likely to be a consequence of the things you decide to do out of paranoia in the hopes of not therefore dying in a random accident. We thought long and hard over the ethics of printing this and whether it might have been better to leave you unaware and perhaps therefore less at risk. However, the cuttlefish overlords were adamant that you had to be told, and we do not argue with the cuttlefish overlords.
Gemini: This year you might actually get what you deserve, and you’re probably foolish enough to think this is good news. It’s hard to tell what’s most likely to kill you, but we’ve narrowed the list down to a number of candidates: Exploding pies, bagpipes, poisoned socks, vampire attack, setting your own trousers on fire, night potato vodka, excessive cheese consumption, unexpected teeth. You could try being careful, but you probably won’t.
Cancer: Your most likely cause of death this year will be duelling, so your best bet for survival is to avoid talking to anyone who is also a cancer. We’re fairly confident that at least one person will die as a consequence of a duel to the death, but it’s not clear whether this is going to involve bladed weapons, or some kind of weird tea duelling where the death is either caused by the toxic nature of the tea or a deadly overconsumption of liquid.
Leo: Those of you who have been trafficking with demons recently are likely to find that demon activity is your cause of death. For the rest of you, it’s falling over. Sprained ankle in the forest leading to starvation, or being predated by the helltopiary. Falling while stealing eggs and thus being torn to shreds by the screaming geese. Falling over while running away from ravenous creatures of the night. You get the idea. Running away is going to do you more harm than good.
Virgo: You are most likely to die this year as the consequence of mob activity. Think twice before you break out the pitchforks and torches because these kinds of activities are very risky for you. It’s harder to avoid being on the wrong end of pitchforks and torches of course, and you may not get much of a vote there. Be generally wary of anything involving big crowds, including the church picnic, and any large shipwrecks. Turn down invitations to anything that offers to be a big community celebration as these are likely to prove lethal. We think it’s more likely to be accidental – tramplings, mass poisonings and so forth rather than any group of people trying to kill you, but you’ll be just as dead so maybe that doesn’t matter.
Libra: You like to weigh everything up carefully, but this means sometimes you are slow coming to conclusions. Your best chance at survival for the coming year is to react swiftly. Duck first, think later. If something looks like a trap, mistrust it. If someone looks like they might mean you ill, don’t try and find the best in them. Some stories don’t have two sides to them, and looking for that other side is going to leave you vulnerable to people who want to hurt you, murder you and/or eat you. Remember you can’t trust a hungry werewolf, and that vampires who mean well sometimes make terrible mistakes. Librans who are also vampires should be especially alert to that last point. Please don’t make terrible mistakes.
Scorpio: For your survival this year, you need to stop spending so much time thinking about your imaginary enemies and be a bit more alert to what’s going on with your actual enemies. In the unlikely circumstances that you don’t have any enemies at this point, you need to think carefully about which of your domesticated creatures is trying to kill you – be assured that at least one of them is.
Sagittarius: Your biggest risk of death in the coming year is being seduced either by mermaids or jellyfish women. The good news is that simply by staying away from the sea you can greatly improve your chances of survival. Unless of course your current situation means that you depend on the sea for survival in which case you’re stuffed whatever you decide to do. You should probably get horrendously drunk and try to forget about it all.