Horoscopes for 2023

What doom awaits us in the coming months? How are we most likely to die this year? What ghastly things might our foes be planning? Is there anything we can dare to trust?

Capricorn: Your greatest challenge for this year is to overcome the deep mistrust of others. If you spent most of last year convinced you had turned into a donkey, this will be especially serious. Of course if you did actually turn into a donkey you probably aren’t reading this. As a donkey, you are far more trustworthy anyway. Stay away from loose roof tiles and do not eat the thistles, no matter how tempting they look. One way or another, cannibalism is your greatest risk for this year.

Aquarius: It’s going to be a great year for finding hidden treasures and buried wealth. Obviously some of these items will turn out to be cursed and/or murderous. Don’t try not looking for them, because even if you aren’t trying, fate is bound to bring some of them your way. There is no escape. Dogs will be especially likely to try and kill you this year, and it is a terrible time to take up a new hobby.

Pisces: Big decisions this year will include deciding whether to live in your water butt, whether to get out of the sea or whether to seek a new pond – depending on what you did last year. Your chances of drowning are slim, but the odds of being eaten by something in the waterbutt are more than zero. You are at particular risk from nameless entities falling out of the sky and crushing you to death.

Aries: All that work you did on self improvement last year has paid off, but it means your risk of being murdered by people you have annoyed is also higher than usual. Do not be tempted to take in and rear any unusual looking chickens. If you’re still wearing bells from last year, now would be a good time to put them on your children or any other small entities that are known to be living in your house. It’s best to avoid surprises.

Taurus: You are most likely to die in a surreal accident of your own making. Unfortunately this accident is most likely to be a consequence of the things you decide to do out of paranoia in the hopes of not therefore dying in a random accident. We thought long and hard over the ethics of printing this and whether it might have been better to leave you unaware and perhaps therefore less at risk. However, the cuttlefish overlords were adamant that you had to be told, and we do not argue with the cuttlefish overlords.

Gemini: This year you might actually get what you deserve, and you’re probably foolish enough to think this is good news. It’s hard to tell what’s most likely to kill you, but we’ve narrowed the list down to a number of candidates: Exploding pies, bagpipes, poisoned socks, vampire attack, setting your own trousers on fire, night potato vodka, excessive cheese consumption, unexpected teeth. You could try being careful, but you probably won’t.

Cancer: Your most likely cause of death this year will be duelling, so your best bet for survival is to avoid talking to anyone who is also a cancer. We’re fairly confident that at least one person will die as a consequence of a duel to the death, but it’s not clear whether this is going to involve bladed weapons, or some kind of weird tea duelling where the death is either caused by the toxic nature of the tea or a deadly overconsumption of liquid.

Leo: Those of you who have been trafficking with demons recently are likely to find that demon activity is your cause of death. For the rest of you, it’s falling over. Sprained ankle in the forest leading to starvation, or being predated by the helltopiary. Falling while stealing eggs and thus being torn to shreds by the screaming geese. Falling over while running away from ravenous creatures of the night. You get the idea. Running away is going to do you more harm than good.

Virgo: You are most likely to die this year as the consequence of mob activity. Think twice before you break out the pitchforks and torches because these kinds of activities are very risky for you. It’s harder to avoid being on the wrong end of pitchforks and torches of course, and you may not get much of a vote there. Be generally wary of anything involving big crowds, including the church picnic, and any large shipwrecks. Turn down invitations to anything that offers to be a big community celebration as these are likely to prove lethal. We think it’s more likely to be accidental – tramplings, mass poisonings and so forth rather than any group of people trying to kill you, but you’ll be just as dead so maybe that doesn’t matter.

Libra: You like to weigh everything up carefully, but this means sometimes you are slow coming to conclusions. Your best chance at survival for the coming year is to react swiftly. Duck first, think later. If something looks like a trap, mistrust it. If someone looks like they might mean you ill, don’t try and find the best in them. Some stories don’t have two sides to them, and looking for that other side is going to leave you vulnerable to people who want to hurt you, murder you and/or eat you. Remember you can’t trust a hungry werewolf, and that vampires who mean well sometimes make terrible mistakes. Librans who are also vampires should be especially alert to that last point. Please don’t make terrible mistakes.

Scorpio: For your survival this year, you need to stop spending so much time thinking about your imaginary enemies and be a bit more alert to what’s going on with your actual enemies. In the unlikely circumstances that you don’t have any enemies at this point, you need to think carefully about which of your domesticated creatures is trying to kill you – be assured that at least one of them is.

Sagittarius: Your biggest risk of death in the coming year is being seduced either by mermaids or jellyfish women. The good news is that simply by staying away from the sea you can greatly improve your chances of survival. Unless of course your current situation means that you depend on the sea for survival in which case you’re stuffed whatever you decide to do. You should probably get horrendously drunk and try to forget about it all.

Horrorscopes 2022

It has to get better, we thought. People will be comforted if they know that, we thought. And so we looked, and we could not look away, and we knew terrible, unspeakable things and blood poured from our eyes and we screamed all the time we were writing this. The universe doesn’t love you even a little bit, and it loves us even less.

Capricorn: You keep dreaming about the donkeys on the roof. This year you will start waking up on the roof and it’s only a matter of time before you start wondering if you are a donkey. Some of you have always been donkeys. Some of you are now turning into donkeys. Some of you are only dreaming about it. You will never be able to tell which one of these things applies to you.

Aquarius: You will grow extra parts of yourself and will live in fear of how others will judge you if they see what is happening. You are right to be afraid, you have people around you who will think that ending your pitiful life would be doing you a favour, and you know? They might be right.

Pisces: You are in the thrall of fish, and the water possesses you. Do what the fish tell you to do in order to live. Don’t expect to be glad that you chose this path. You may regret living, but there is no escape for you and even if you die, your ghost will be trapped here forever.

Aries: You will be haunted by strange noises. You will never find out what’s making them or whether they are even real or just a sign of your increasing detachment from reality. You may have to put bells on yourself so you can tell when it is you who is moving.

Taurus: This is the year when you can expect to find out about terrible family secrets. Whether that’s an ancient tale that has cursed your line to this very day, or more recent skeletons in closets remains to be seen.

Gemini: You’ve always known that no one likes you. You’ve always been told you’re just paranoid and delusional. Well, congratulations, this will be the year when you finally get the proof you need. Whether you can survive that proof to be smug about having been right all along remains to be seen, but no one else actually cares what you think anyway.

Cancer: Your obsessions and compulsions get a tighter grip on you this year, forcing you into ever greater extremes. The good news is that you’ll probably have no idea how dangerous this has become until a minute or two before it kills you. Only those of you who are obsessed with avoiding peril at any cost are likely to survive.

Leo: This is the year that old mistakes and betrayals really catch up with you. People are out for retribution, or failing that they’re going to want you to do terrible things to make up for the previous terrible things.

Virgo: You think you’re on top of things, but you’re wrong. You’ve been sowing the seeds for your own downfall for some time now. The only question is how badly it’s all going to go wrong. Don’t imagine you can fix anything, it’s way too late for that now.

Libra: That good advice you’ve been giving people? They’ve finally worked out you have no idea what you’re talking about. There will be consequences. Also, you have no idea what you’re doing and that’s increasingly obvious to everyone else. The demons know that you don’t know what you’re doing. The demons know. Try not to go to sleep.

Scorpio: This is the year you get the wild, passionate romance you’ve always longed for. The trouble is, when they tell you they love you so much they could eat you all up, it’s no sort of metaphor. Something hungry has noticed you. Whether it wants your soul, your flesh or your sanity remains to be seen but think of the fun you’ll have finding out!

Sagittarius: You’ve been trying so hard to get everything right, and to not draw attention to yourself. You never let yourself get too comfortable but you believe it’s possible if you make no mistakes whatsoever that you’ll be ok. You are wrong about this.

New Hopeless Maine Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes have always been challenging on the island. When we can see the skies at night, they don’t reliably conform to expectation. Islanders who lived somewhere else before shipwrecking here do not always recognise our constellations.  To further complicate things, you may not know when you were born or what your star sign might be. It all makes plucking meaning from celestial bodies that bit harder. But who doesn’t like to try and pluck meaning from bodies?

Folklorist Idris Po has come up with a new system, the details of which are below. To find out your Hopeless Maine astrological sign, simply read the descriptions and see which one best matches you. Idris assures us that this will be as reliable for predicting the future as any other vague system designed to make generalised predictions for large numbers of diverse people.

The Bemused Starfish – you are largely confused most of the time.

The Succubus Wasp – you are sexy and dangerous and all of your relationships are messy.

The Bucket – you are sensible, pragmatic and well prepared.

Cuttlefish Overlords – you are pretentious, overconfident and may eventually take over.

The Night Soil Carrier – you are the bottom of the social pile and probably don’t smell so good.

The Ominous Watcher – you like to skulk about and may have more eyes than is usual.

The Ur-Deer – you are a shy woodland creature and largely ineffectual.

The Half Person – you are also half something else. How well are you hiding that?

The Large Angry Mammal. –  you are angry.  You may not actually be that large and you may not technically be a mammal.

The Scuttling Entity – you are anxious, fidgety and probably hiding behind a cupboard.

Mostly teeth – you smile too much and are generally hungry.

Night Potatoes – you know who you are but you probably won’t admit it.

Inexplicably Standing on the Roof – we can see you. No one knows why you keep doing this.

Horrorscopes for Hopeless Maine citizens in 2019

We all know it’s going to be awful. Each month will bring fresh horrors, nameless dread, and dread whose names we are perfectly well aware of. Misery is a certainty. Failure is guaranteed. Some of your friends or family members will turn out to be awful people. Or will realise that you are the awful people and come after you with pitchforks and torches. Perhaps this is the year the monster who partly controls you will take total control. Perhaps this is the year you will dig up an ancient evil in your garden and be driven to madness by it. Someone certainly will.

So with all of this in mind, each horrorscope in your overview of 2019 is a list of things we think might help you survive, or at least outwit your enemies for a little longer.

Aquarius: Save yourself by carrying a sturdy length of rope at all times. Dead houseplants, collections of feathers and any books belonging to your great grandparents will help you make it through this year in one piece. Stay away from all kinds of delivery people, and give up washing your undergarments. Your lucky item for 2019 is a sock with a hole exactly in the right place for your big toe to stick out.

Pisces: Stay away from water – including baths, but do keep washing because otherwise you will probably be killed by your own skin fungus. Keep a live rodent in your pocket at all times to improve your fortune, and avoid putting your hands in your pockets to improve your fortune by not having your fingers bitten by a rodent. If your rodent dies, you could keep its body but it does not count as a lucky item for 2019. It won’t save you if it’s dead.

Aries: Give up gardening. Don’t dig anywhere, even in other people’s gardens or even if a grave is required at short notice. Throw away all of your digging implements and run away from anyone who comes towards you with anything larger than a spoon. Draw a star on your forehead to attract good luck in 2019. So long as you don’t draw the star on with anything that could itself kill you, you are in with a fighting chance. Also, the rest of us will know to stay the hell away from your garden.

Taurus: Protect yourself with the power of positive thinking and you’ll be unlikely to make it past February. You need all the magical charms you can wear whilst still being able to move. Whether this will protect you magically, or just function well as a sort of body armour is hard to say. Maybe hedge your bets and get some body armour as well. Your lucky item is a lock of someone else’s nasal hairs.

Gemini: Avoid wearing any colours that rhyme with your name. Invite better fortune into your life by opening your door first thing every morning and yelling the ancient spell “nice things are welcome, nasty things can sod right off.” Further increase your fortune by doing this when no one is stood outside your front door. Carry a portrait of your uncle for good luck. If you do not have an uncle, carry a portrait of someone else’s uncle and claim he’s really yours.

Cancer: The less your feet touch the ground this year, the better your chances are. Never go barefoot. Use stilts whenever possible. Invest in a donkey and ride it everywhere. Do not allow children to touch you with their bare hands. Do not allow any bears to touch you with any children’s hands they may have acquired. Better to stay right away from bears, in fact.

Leo: Your lucky item for 2019 is the skull of an animal that has previously been possessed by a demon. It is important to make sure the demon is no longer occupying the skull because your biggest risk of death and madness is being possessed or attacked by a demon that was in a skull you picked up.

Virgo: The trick to surviving 2019 will be to avoid speech and to instead sing your every verbalisation. At least two notes are required in any vocal expression so you need to stay away from one word answers – monosyllabic words such as ‘yes’ and ‘no’ could prove fatal unless you can draw them out in some way. Do not peer through your own letter box at any time during this year.

Libra: Your greatest risk for 2019 is the restless dead. Stay away from graveyards and try not to go out after dark. Avoid séances, Ouija boards, objects belonging to the deceased, and buildings that people have died in. Don’t assume staying home will keep you safe either – the ghosts of angry dead trees may be waiting for you at home.

Scorpio: In 2019, what you do with your own hands poses the greatest risk to you. Stop building that infernal device. Lay aside projects to attract a fairy lover with your raffia work. Stop all culinary experiments. It’s best not to use your hands for eating or drinking either, so this year is going to present some challenges.

Sagittarius: Your lucky item for 2019 is red plant matter, which for best effect should be applied freshly and frequently to the front of your clothing. You may have to choose between dignity and survival in the coming months. If things take a turn for the worse, tip the first spoonful of every meal over the top of your head. Some things can be really put off by this behaviour and the smell it rapidly creates.

Capricorn: Your demise will be heralded by the squealing of bagpipes. If you feel threatened by bagpipes at any time, move slowly so as not to be panicked into fulfilling this prophecy. Carry a sharp implement with you at all times so that you can protect yourself from bagpipes at need.

Cower in dread before your horrorscope!

You said I could not tell the future. You said I was mad.  I have stared at the sky day and night without pause and I have seen the truth of what resides there. The truth, the horror, and the glory of it. We are all going to die. Some things will happen before then.

Libra: Stare into the abyss. Stare until your eyes bleed.

Sagittarius: I still don’t believe you exist. You are all lies and illusions. I refuse to imagine you any longer.

Hideous Goat Things: I hate you. Everyone hates you.

Constellation of the Nebulous Squid: It is all futile, your baleful influence condemns us all.

Aquarius: Something has fallen into your well. Trying to get it out may antagonise it.

Aries: Where are you in the sky? Does the sun rise in your house any more? I bet it doesn’t.

The Great Unseeing Eye: Gods help you if this is your birth sign.

Taurine: I have sipped of your liquor. I know why you are Gods.

The Evil Twin: There’s only one of you, really. You killed the good twin ling ago and have been lying to yourself ever since.

The Monstrous Crab: The sea makes you long to throw yourself in.

The Shoggoth: I know this is your true form. I stared until I saw you. There is no hope for any of us.

Virgo: What are you? Sometimes I think you are a creature from ancient times, raised up from the deep earth to torment us all.

Our Cuttlefish Overlords: I beg that you, our true masters, will take pity on us. May the sun never rise in your terrifying house in the night sky. May the darkness of your sign be perfect and eternal.

Horrorscopes for denizens of Hopeless Maine

The Hopeless Vendetta apologises for the recent hiatus in horoscopes, which was caused by unforeseen circumstances. Due to the aforementioned unforeseen circumstances, I have fired the previous astrologer, and replaced her with someone who, hopefully, has some idea of what’s going on! I take no responsibility for the consequences of your acting, or not acting upon anything said, implied, or absent from your horrorscope.

Frampton Jones

Aries: You’ve had a tough winter. Now, the first signs of spring are here, it’s obvious that nothing is going to get better for you any time soon.

Taurus: Expect to find a pot of gold this month – literally or metaphorically. Expect to find out next month exactly how the curse on it works.

Gemini: Shutting your eyes and pretending it isn’t there doesn’t solve anything. But on the other hand, opening your eyes and facing it could well drive you mad.

Cancer: You may lose your heart this month, one way or another. Best to sat away from inventors, devices and pointy farm implements.

Leo: Don’t tell anyone. No matter how guilty that makes you feel, if you want to survive beyond the next full moon, keep those secrets really secret.

Virgo: Given where Neptune is, this could be a really difficult month for you. By Neptune, I don’t mean the planet, I mean Neptune Chevin. And it’s not just you, we’re all going to have problems with him.

Libra: There has never been a better time to give away everything you own and live in a barrel. You should reflect on what this says about your life.

Scorpio: Expect some exciting and significant losses this month. It will be memorable, and you’re really going to feel it.

Capricorn: If you follow your dreams, you’ll set off a chain of events leading to unimaginable horrors. I know you won’t take good advice, but that’s my conscience eased.

Aquarius: stay away from dogs, ephemeral, insubstantial women who beckon you towards cliffs, and anything living in the bottom of your stew pot. You can survive this!

Pisces: Wrap up warm this month because there’s a nasty bite in the air and you will be especially vulnerable to it. Try not to leave any skin exposed.

Horroscopes for the coming year

What do the heavens have in store for you next year? With strange alignments in the skies over Hopeless Maine, you can set yourself whatever goals you like, but don’t expect anything to turn out the way you hoped or intended. This will be a particularly bad year for hurricanes, whirlpools, collapsing buildings, and goats.

Capricorn: There has never been a better time to invest in protective gear or to try and figure out who of your so-called friends are plotting against you. Avoid anything that claims to be cheering, and never leave a drink unattended.

Aquarius: Give up on those romantic ideas and aspirations, you’re just setting yourself up for a bucket full of extra pain and social embarrassment. Avoid romantic gestures and gift giving unless you’re comfortable with horrific outcomes and being blamed for everything.

Pisces: Let no one over your threshold until spring and you’ll survive. Stay well away from pies, crab pots and community art ventures and you’ll have a reassuringly mediocre year. Be warned though, the smallest mistake could spell disaster or at the very least, terrible indigestion.

Aries: Full moons will be dangerous for you, with little going to plan. It seems like everyone wants to find fault, or pick a fight and you’ll feel sorry for yourself. If only you could see how it’s all your fault, you might be able to change things. You bring this stuff upon yourself.

Taurus: New business ventures will fail miserably, especially after the spring tides. You have no idea what anyone else wants of how to get them onside, and you’d be far better off if you stopped deluding yourself about your social skills. The thing you do that you think is charming and endearing really, really isn’t.

Gemini: Oh dear.

Cancer: You’ll feel like everyone is trying to take advantage of you. Expect exploitation, manipulation, unreturned loans, debts of all sorts unpaid, and unreasonable demands upon your time, and on your chickens. It won’t get better no matter what you do.

Leo: Looking fabulous has never seemed more important to you. However, those fashion choices may have things living in them already – mice, crabs, diseases, hideous demonic beings…  Sooner or later there will be horrible bite marks and seeping pus.

Virgo: things you thought you had got away with will resurface and people around you will get suspicious. If your dreadful secrets are only about having eaten all the biscuits, it will merely be a depressing year. Otherwise, you can expect any skeletons in the family closet to come out, some of them bearing grudges.

Libra: Keep a close eye on your obsessions, compulsions and urges. If they become more unnatural than usual, seek help. Just because you think you’re being reasonable doesn’t mean sinister forces aren’t controlling your every move.

Scorpio: Give away any old clothes you don’t need. Call in favours. Now is a good time to make demands and to remind people of whatever hold it is you have over them. Repay old insults. This is not the year for being nice to people and you can be sure they won’t be nice to you.

Sagittarius: You may feel that it’s down to you to save the day and put everything right. You’re only fooling yourself. You can’t fix anything and you’ll probably just make things worse. Better not to bother, really.

Horrorscope guidance for Citizens of Hopeless

Scorpio: If you’ve made your peace with what’s haunting you, this month will be only slightly depressing. Things look grim all the way to midwinter. Expect your shoes to let you down repeatedly.

Sagittarius: Your good luck in beachcombing may lead to horror and dismay.

Capricorn: For the next two weeks, you are at great risk of being struck by lightning and/or falling into your own privy.

Aquarius: Those of you who survived last month can expect things to be mercifully quiet until the gibbous moon, after which it’s just going to be one disaster after another.

Pisces: Being generous will only get you taken advantage of. Say not to everything until at least next week, and make sure all the locks on your doors are sound.

Aries: A small injury will fester and you’ll have to decide whether to trust to witchcraft or take your life into your hands with a visit to Doc Willoughby – it will be kill or cure.

Taurus: Nothing has gone well for you recently. The next new moon offers chances to shine, but they could so easily turn into dreadful humiliations.

Gemini: You can’t hide under the bed forever. You will eventually have to face up to your ghastly misjudgements and deal with the consequences.

Cancer:  Watch out for aerial bombardments, ill-considered axe use, and goats falling off roofs.

Leo: You’ve finally hit on a brilliant plan, but no one will believe you, or take it seriously.

Virgo: those aren’t mice making noise in your attic. Get help.

Libra: The stars have aligned to give you excellent prospects this month for any acts of revenge or score settling you have in mind.

Hopeless, Maine Horrorscopes

Hopeless Maine Horrorscopes

Virgo: September may have been the cruelest month for you. You will survive it, but you may wish you hadn’t.

Libra: You love balance, which is unfortunate because the next few weeks will see your life spinning out of control. You have an above average risk of dying in an improbable, work-related accident.

Scorpio: This month, an illicit love affair from your past may come back to haunt you. Quite possibly in a literal sort of way.

Sagittarius:  This month is all about love and money for you. Beware of anyone offering you gold, as their designs on your body may not be what you had hoped for. Turn down invitations to mysterious gatherings and offers of hairy coffee.

Capricorn: You are made of bad ideas at the moment, and are the single biggest threat to your own life until after the full moon. Then your immediate family and neighbors become your biggest death threat.

Aquarius: Now is a singularly bad time to do any serious digging. Best ignore what other people have gone to the trouble of burying, even if it is in your garden.

Pisces: You should learn a new skill this month. How to stitch wounds, detect poisonings and how to undertake an exorcism would all work well for you.

Aries: Don’t get too excited. If it looks promising now, it’s just lulling you into a false sense of security.

Taurus: The stars have aligned really badly for you this month. You may start to feel there’s just no point to anything – and you’d be right!

Gemini: Beware of falling trees, tall, dark haired men who lack for hats, and surprise chickens.

Cancer: Shipwreck foraging will lead to splinters in your hands, and these will go nasty and swell up and possibly kill you, and if not you, your social life.

Leo: Keep asking the awkward questions and you will eventually get to the truth, although you aren’t going to like the truth in the slightest.

 

Words by Nimue Brown

The return of the Horrorscopes.

Hopeless Horrorscopes from Mystic Mary

Cancer: Your high risk activities for this month are roof repairs, window cleaning, hat making, and chasing goats after nightfall. Avoid doing these things and you’ll survive the month.

Leo: Your self confidence always gets you into trouble. No one likes your latest ideas anyway. Get over it, and stop trying to impress people so much. It won’t help you but the rest of us will feel better.

Virgo: Just because it floated ashore in a recent shipwreck doesn’t make it a good fashion choice.

Libra: It’s your reluctance to act that’s most likely to get you into trouble this month. If you wait for others to make the first move, it could be the last thing you don’t do.

Scorpio: It’s not a good time to plan changes. Ignore schemes from Leo friends, these will only get you into trouble. However, it is an auspicious month for dealing with problematic Librans in your life.

Sagittarius: Wear a big hat and extra layers of clothes and the odds are no one will notice.

Capricorn: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Even if you are dead, if you’re reading this, it hasn’t been a total setback, has it?

Aquarius: The moon will be influencing you this month. Pay close attention to personal grooming and make sure to shave every few hours.

Pisces: Avoid encounters with the night soil man for your best chances of surviving the month.

Aries: Watch out for plans backfiring and angry chickens. But, you’ve got a more than fifty percent chance of survival, thanks to Uranus.

Taurus: Be careful where you put your feet and for the next few weeks, never put on shoes without checking to see who or what is already inside them.

Gemini: Expect awkward questions about personal hygiene this month. You’ll just have to try and stay down wind of everyone until the new moon brings some relief.

 

Words by Nimue Brown-art by Tom Brown