Category Archives: Lonely Hearts

Hopeless Hearts

Spring is coming. As the sap rises, the people of Hopeless, Maine consider taking off at least some of their coats, and unwrapping their faces. Inevitably, with such flagrant displays of flesh, many find that their thoughts turn to romance. And so it is that some of them leave expressions of hope and longing on the big black board outside Frampton Jones’s house…

Does anyone want my spleen? I’ve been offering up my heart to people for years and that’s not working out well for me so I’m just wondering if there are any other body parts that would be more persuasive? Can I court anyone with my kidneys? Are you the sort of person who would be impressed if I showed you how far my digestive system goes when stretched out? 

Quiet man seeks quiet man for sitting in front of the fire with. Willingness to be stared at obsessively for hours at a time a distinct advantage. I have three books and my own tablecloths.

Small woman with large posterior would like to spend time with someone who has a lot of teeth – ideally not just their own teeth. Location of teeth not an issue. 

Are you very good at cooking? Do you like washing socks? Can you make chickens behave? Do you need a powerful man to tell you what to do? Did you shipwreck here so there’s a fighting chance we aren’t very closely related to each other? I will be at The Crow tomorrow afternoon interviewing all of the women who want to be my wife. 

Are you looking for romance? Do you long to be adored and cherished? Meet me in the graveyard in Gaunt Town tonight for courtship, and attentive neck kissing. Bare necks are preferred. Lively constitution an advantage.

Hopeless Lonely Hearts

With Valentine’s Day safely behind us, it is time for those less fortunate in love to creep out of the shadows, at least for long enough to wave a hopeful tentacle. We’ve had some great submissions, names of the wonderful, infamous people who sent each contribution are in brackets – if you don’t know them, look them up!


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And now, without further ado, onto the latest from the Hopeless Maine Lonely Hearts column….

Travel writer/warlock seeks companion for walks on beach, reading sessions and constant reassurance that the little green abomination with a lisp sitting on her shoulder is real and she’s not going insane oh gods why won’t it go away why why. Non smoker preferred.

(Francesca Dare)


Lonely mortician seeks introvert for quiet nights in, surgical practice and possibly more. GSOH and own surgical kit a must!

(Charles Cutting)


Melancholic poet seeks occult practitioner for stargazing and beachcombing. Romantic aspirations and love of dustcats a must.

(Craig Hallam)


Priestess seeks Worshippers. Bring appropriate offerings to the waterfront at the rise of the Full Moon. Next of Kin details required.

(Cat Treadwell)


Man, 45 GSOH seeks woman/man/cyborg for long walks in the attic, light animal experimentation and occasional explosions. LIKES: orang-utans, tannin, occasional explosions. DISLIKES: Coffee, men with banjos and/or moustaches.

(Professor Elemental)


Indian exch. witch offers Walpurgisnacht carpet pool York – Harz Mountains. Imperial Persian carpet, 12 places. Departs: York Minster Central Tower 28/04. 1st come, 1st serve. Contact Aaliyah Baba, scry/orb, open astral channel btw 12.00-01.00. Fee: Soul Secrets, Lover’s Vows.

(Suna Dasi)


Mild mannered maniac seeking companionship, 1969 vintage, original body (with modifications), full service history, test drive advised. NO TIRE KICKERS. The ideal candidate would need large bumpers or airbags, and go from 0-60 in less than 8 seconds.

(Ian Crichton)


Perfectly Normal But Lonely Single F, 40 y.o but with the body of 18 y.o.[stored safely in the freezer], own transport, seeks like-minded individual for good times, long book shop visits and romantic Staring Into The Void. Living preferred but vital status negotiable for right person. Must look good in riding boots and share sense of pedantry. No slime wasters.

(JJ Bannister)


Mature gentleman with GSOH and both original hips seeks very patient companion for experiments in unwearable clothing. Human preferred but some exotic ancestry not necessarily a problem. Must be warm blooded and breath air. No fish.