Horrorscopes 2022

It has to get better, we thought. People will be comforted if they know that, we thought. And so we looked, and we could not look away, and we knew terrible, unspeakable things and blood poured from our eyes and we screamed all the time we were writing this. The universe doesn’t love you even a little bit, and it loves us even less.

Capricorn: You keep dreaming about the donkeys on the roof. This year you will start waking up on the roof and it’s only a matter of time before you start wondering if you are a donkey. Some of you have always been donkeys. Some of you are now turning into donkeys. Some of you are only dreaming about it. You will never be able to tell which one of these things applies to you.

Aquarius: You will grow extra parts of yourself and will live in fear of how others will judge you if they see what is happening. You are right to be afraid, you have people around you who will think that ending your pitiful life would be doing you a favour, and you know? They might be right.

Pisces: You are in the thrall of fish, and the water possesses you. Do what the fish tell you to do in order to live. Don’t expect to be glad that you chose this path. You may regret living, but there is no escape for you and even if you die, your ghost will be trapped here forever.

Aries: You will be haunted by strange noises. You will never find out what’s making them or whether they are even real or just a sign of your increasing detachment from reality. You may have to put bells on yourself so you can tell when it is you who is moving.

Taurus: This is the year when you can expect to find out about terrible family secrets. Whether that’s an ancient tale that has cursed your line to this very day, or more recent skeletons in closets remains to be seen.

Gemini: You’ve always known that no one likes you. You’ve always been told you’re just paranoid and delusional. Well, congratulations, this will be the year when you finally get the proof you need. Whether you can survive that proof to be smug about having been right all along remains to be seen, but no one else actually cares what you think anyway.

Cancer: Your obsessions and compulsions get a tighter grip on you this year, forcing you into ever greater extremes. The good news is that you’ll probably have no idea how dangerous this has become until a minute or two before it kills you. Only those of you who are obsessed with avoiding peril at any cost are likely to survive.

Leo: This is the year that old mistakes and betrayals really catch up with you. People are out for retribution, or failing that they’re going to want you to do terrible things to make up for the previous terrible things.

Virgo: You think you’re on top of things, but you’re wrong. You’ve been sowing the seeds for your own downfall for some time now. The only question is how badly it’s all going to go wrong. Don’t imagine you can fix anything, it’s way too late for that now.

Libra: That good advice you’ve been giving people? They’ve finally worked out you have no idea what you’re talking about. There will be consequences. Also, you have no idea what you’re doing and that’s increasingly obvious to everyone else. The demons know that you don’t know what you’re doing. The demons know. Try not to go to sleep.

Scorpio: This is the year you get the wild, passionate romance you’ve always longed for. The trouble is, when they tell you they love you so much they could eat you all up, it’s no sort of metaphor. Something hungry has noticed you. Whether it wants your soul, your flesh or your sanity remains to be seen but think of the fun you’ll have finding out!

Sagittarius: You’ve been trying so hard to get everything right, and to not draw attention to yourself. You never let yourself get too comfortable but you believe it’s possible if you make no mistakes whatsoever that you’ll be ok. You are wrong about this.

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