WANTED Clown tears, milked from the finest European clowns, urgently required to oil the Hyperbaric Orchestra Machine I have brought to the island at considerable expense for the benefit concert for orphans by several careless witches, who misplaced my supply of prime Pagliaci weepings. All leads welcome, to Glitchy, c/o the orphanage. Please do not disappoint the orphans any more than they have already been disappointed!
Fed up with dust?
Can’t quite get into the corners?
Just want to be able to spend some time not doing anything?
Walden Pond Frog’s trained dust-cats are here to help.
Annoying corners? No problem. Not enough time? They do not need supervision and can safely eat dust without you needing to do a thing.
Yes, we too have heard the rumours. If the dust cats have any negative effects on you or anyone else, we will not be willing to accept any complaints. We would not greatly appreciate any feedback you have.
We do not accept any feedback about missing items that may have only occurred after your purchase of one of our dust cats.
Trepanning kit. 2 Trephine Drills,4 knives, 1 set of pincers,1 skull harness, a copy of ‘Trepanning for Dummies’ by Brian Damage + 2 ‘practice’ skulls in a silk lined case. One previous (careful owner). Ideal for the a young craniectomologist or amateur enthusiast. Will accept an offer on the price. Contact Nahum Petulance via the Vendetta.
(Thank you to Glitchy – Adam Horovitz, Walden Pond Frog – James Colvin and Nahum Petulance – Charles Cutting)
Fish Stew on special offer at The Crow all this week! Two bowls for the price of one. Tentacles extra.
It’s a small one. Pointy at the front end, pointy at the back, left tied up well above the high tide mark. Not there now. Information to be directed to Finneous Smaals.
It’s a sales extravaganza at Millet’s Fabric Store this week. Two gloves for the price of one! Recycled handkerchiefs at half price! By two shrouds, get a third for free! Experienced tailoring for all your needs. Stop by and see what we have on offer.
Is your house a mess? Struggling to find things? Are you always late, harassed and unhappy? What you need are NAILS. Great for hanging things from, ideal for putting up shelves, nails can solve so many of those everyday problems. Drop by Grimes’ General Store to view our nearly new selection.
Music lessons for young and old alike. Any level of ability considered, any instrument – although owning your own is pretty much essential as I don’t have that many to spare. Very reasonable rates, happy to teach you or your children in the comfort of your own home.
The Crow offers a whole new menu this week. Windfall Pie. Avian Stew. Deep fried Corvid with seaweed. Bring the newssheet with you for a half price cup of our best ersatz coffee (new secret ingredients!)
The only kind of spirit Doc Willoughby knows anything about is the kind that comes in bottles. He knows rather more about them than is good for him! How many times do I have to say it? I AM NOT A SATANIST. I am a witch, there are a lot of differences. Doc Willoughby’s medicine might very well be god-fearing, if I was dishing out that kind of rubbish, I’d certainly be fearing the wrath of gods. Do not be duped by scaremongering tactics.
Every year countless people suffer when they meddle with the occult and enlist the dangerous powers of witchcraft. Are you risking your soul as well as your health? Do you know what terrible dangers await you when you invite satanic influences into your life? Some prices are not worth paying. For honest, god-fearing medicine that won’t bring you eternal damnation and see your family in the fiery pits of hell, speak to Dr Willoughby.
Is quack medicine letting you down? Are you tired of dubious pseudo-science? Consider natural alternatives for all your health needs. Herbs and charms prepared by a fully trained witch could be the answer to all your problems! Visit Annamarie Nightshade for a healing experience that actually works.