Gentleman of the Green house, Hopeless, Maine. Seeks Lady of supportive means for future relations. Must not be of lower classes, interest in anatomy and Babylonian texts preferred. Interested parties should leave details along with a quartz crystal in a favour of their choice, at the crossroad oak past the Inn. Full moon essential.
The Dowager McAdams, formerly of Suffolk, England. Current resident of Hopeless, Maine. Seeks suitable discreet Gentleman with good blood stock, unsullied reputation and minimal deformities by wart. Must like cats, lace and water lilies. The ability to swim is no longer necessary though steadiness underfoot would be a boon. Enquiries by postal correspondence to this publication only.
Incubus seeks lonely housewife for nights only the damned could dream of. Moonlit strolls along windswept clifftops your thing? You dream it, I’ll make it real for you. Want to make love on the beach as the tide laps up around your hips? I can take you there without ever having to leave the comfort of your bed. Let me bring your darkest desires to life. Let me break you on the wheel of sex and feed on you to your heart’s desire. Your body isn’t as important as your mind. That’s where I work my magic. Good sense of humour not essential.
Well to do couple seek partner for daughter struck down with a terrible case of ‘The Hysteria’. Doctor preferred or good understanding of the affliction. Family will provide safe haven and privacy, efforts are being made to procure suitable invention to alleviate the suffering. Discretion required, enquire at the Stocksmans hut on the outskirts.
I would like to meet someone I am not related to and have babies with them. Symmetrical people preferred. Left to right symmetrical, not back and front cos that’s bit weird. Own toes and fingers and none of anyone else’s. Replies to the Vendetta please.–
Lonely hearts contributed by
Adrian Trevelyan (Dr Porridge), Nimue Brown and Steven Savile
WANTED Clown tears, milked from the finest European clowns, urgently required to oil the Hyperbaric Orchestra Machine I have brought to the island at considerable expense for the benefit concert for orphans by several careless witches, who misplaced my supply of prime Pagliaci weepings. All leads welcome, to Glitchy, c/o the orphanage. Please do not disappoint the orphans any more than they have already been disappointed!
Fed up with dust?
Can’t quite get into the corners?
Just want to be able to spend some time not doing anything?
Walden Pond Frog’s trained dust-cats are here to help.
Annoying corners? No problem. Not enough time? They do not need supervision and can safely eat dust without you needing to do a thing.
Yes, we too have heard the rumours. If the dust cats have any negative effects on you or anyone else, we will not be willing to accept any complaints. We would not greatly appreciate any feedback you have.
We do not accept any feedback about missing items that may have only occurred after your purchase of one of our dust cats.
Trepanning kit. 2 Trephine Drills,4 knives, 1 set of pincers,1 skull harness, a copy of ‘Trepanning for Dummies’ by Brian Damage + 2 ‘practice’ skulls in a silk lined case. One previous (careful owner). Ideal for the a young craniectomologist or amateur enthusiast. Will accept an offer on the price. Contact Nahum Petulance via the Vendetta.
(Thank you to Glitchy – Adam Horovitz, Walden Pond Frog – James Colvin and Nahum Petulance – Charles Cutting)
Fish Stew on special offer at The Crow all this week! Two bowls for the price of one. Tentacles extra.
It’s a small one. Pointy at the front end, pointy at the back, left tied up well above the high tide mark. Not there now. Information to be directed to Finneous Smaals.
It’s a sales extravaganza at Millet’s Fabric Store this week. Two gloves for the price of one! Recycled handkerchiefs at half price! By two shrouds, get a third for free! Experienced tailoring for all your needs. Stop by and see what we have on offer.
Is your house a mess? Struggling to find things? Are you always late, harassed and unhappy? What you need are NAILS. Great for hanging things from, ideal for putting up shelves, nails can solve so many of those everyday problems. Drop by Grimes’ General Store to view our nearly new selection.
Music lessons for young and old alike. Any level of ability considered, any instrument – although owning your own is pretty much essential as I don’t have that many to spare. Very reasonable rates, happy to teach you or your children in the comfort of your own home.
The Crow offers a whole new menu this week. Windfall Pie. Avian Stew. Deep fried Corvid with seaweed. Bring the newssheet with you for a half price cup of our best ersatz coffee (new secret ingredients!)
The only kind of spirit Doc Willoughby knows anything about is the kind that comes in bottles. He knows rather more about them than is good for him! How many times do I have to say it? I AM NOT A SATANIST. I am a witch, there are a lot of differences. Doc Willoughby’s medicine might very well be god-fearing, if I was dishing out that kind of rubbish, I’d certainly be fearing the wrath of gods. Do not be duped by scaremongering tactics.
Every year countless people suffer when they meddle with the occult and enlist the dangerous powers of witchcraft. Are you risking your soul as well as your health? Do you know what terrible dangers await you when you invite satanic influences into your life? Some prices are not worth paying. For honest, god-fearing medicine that won’t bring you eternal damnation and see your family in the fiery pits of hell, speak to Dr Willoughby.