Tag Archives: Horroscope

Don’t say you weren’t warned

By Frampton Jones.

Jasper Horace Ganache should, it turns out, have paid more attention to this year’s horrorscopes. Granted, it’s never easy to tell who exactly will die from these readings of the night sky, but paranoia is your friend. We now know that Jasper was the person for whom the warning about bagpipes were intended all along.

The bagpipes washed ashore all by themselves. I am told that numerous beachcombers saw them, but, mindful of this year’s predictions, did not approach the sodden instrument as it lay at the high tide line. A wise decision for which you can feel rightfully smug.

Jasper not only approached the washed up bagpipes, but went so far as to pick them up and take them home. No one claims to have tried to stop him. And while the horrorscope itself predicted that the squealing of bagpipes would presage death, no one thought to rush in and slash the bag before any harm could occur. Who knows how many people might have suffered if Jasper had made his home in a busier part of town? It has not been a noble day for us.

The noise that came from the bagpipes caused nose and ear bleeds amongst residents in the Silver Street area. There was a great deal of spontaneous wailing as well, but no additional deaths that anyone has noticed. Did Jasper attempt to inflate the unwholesome bag? Or was there something inside the instrument all along, waiting to find a suitable victim.

Having observed the body, Doc Willoughby noted that there is an odd resemblance between the deceased’s skin and the fabric of the bagpipe. “The body often expresses sympathy with the mode of death,” he told me. “I’ve seen this myself when marks in the shape of my own hands have appeared on the bodies of people I was trying to save.”

As there is some concern that Jasper is becoming a set of bagpipes himself, he has been carefully bound ahead of burial and will be weighted down with a substantial cairn just to be on the safe side. There will be no music of any sort at the funeral.

Horroscopes for the coming year

What do the heavens have in store for you next year? With strange alignments in the skies over Hopeless Maine, you can set yourself whatever goals you like, but don’t expect anything to turn out the way you hoped or intended. This will be a particularly bad year for hurricanes, whirlpools, collapsing buildings, and goats.

Capricorn: There has never been a better time to invest in protective gear or to try and figure out who of your so-called friends are plotting against you. Avoid anything that claims to be cheering, and never leave a drink unattended.

Aquarius: Give up on those romantic ideas and aspirations, you’re just setting yourself up for a bucket full of extra pain and social embarrassment. Avoid romantic gestures and gift giving unless you’re comfortable with horrific outcomes and being blamed for everything.

Pisces: Let no one over your threshold until spring and you’ll survive. Stay well away from pies, crab pots and community art ventures and you’ll have a reassuringly mediocre year. Be warned though, the smallest mistake could spell disaster or at the very least, terrible indigestion.

Aries: Full moons will be dangerous for you, with little going to plan. It seems like everyone wants to find fault, or pick a fight and you’ll feel sorry for yourself. If only you could see how it’s all your fault, you might be able to change things. You bring this stuff upon yourself.

Taurus: New business ventures will fail miserably, especially after the spring tides. You have no idea what anyone else wants of how to get them onside, and you’d be far better off if you stopped deluding yourself about your social skills. The thing you do that you think is charming and endearing really, really isn’t.

Gemini: Oh dear.

Cancer: You’ll feel like everyone is trying to take advantage of you. Expect exploitation, manipulation, unreturned loans, debts of all sorts unpaid, and unreasonable demands upon your time, and on your chickens. It won’t get better no matter what you do.

Leo: Looking fabulous has never seemed more important to you. However, those fashion choices may have things living in them already – mice, crabs, diseases, hideous demonic beings…  Sooner or later there will be horrible bite marks and seeping pus.

Virgo: things you thought you had got away with will resurface and people around you will get suspicious. If your dreadful secrets are only about having eaten all the biscuits, it will merely be a depressing year. Otherwise, you can expect any skeletons in the family closet to come out, some of them bearing grudges.

Libra: Keep a close eye on your obsessions, compulsions and urges. If they become more unnatural than usual, seek help. Just because you think you’re being reasonable doesn’t mean sinister forces aren’t controlling your every move.

Scorpio: Give away any old clothes you don’t need. Call in favours. Now is a good time to make demands and to remind people of whatever hold it is you have over them. Repay old insults. This is not the year for being nice to people and you can be sure they won’t be nice to you.

Sagittarius: You may feel that it’s down to you to save the day and put everything right. You’re only fooling yourself. You can’t fix anything and you’ll probably just make things worse. Better not to bother, really.

The return of the Horrorscopes.

Hopeless Horrorscopes from Mystic Mary

Cancer: Your high risk activities for this month are roof repairs, window cleaning, hat making, and chasing goats after nightfall. Avoid doing these things and you’ll survive the month.

Leo: Your self confidence always gets you into trouble. No one likes your latest ideas anyway. Get over it, and stop trying to impress people so much. It won’t help you but the rest of us will feel better.

Virgo: Just because it floated ashore in a recent shipwreck doesn’t make it a good fashion choice.

Libra: It’s your reluctance to act that’s most likely to get you into trouble this month. If you wait for others to make the first move, it could be the last thing you don’t do.

Scorpio: It’s not a good time to plan changes. Ignore schemes from Leo friends, these will only get you into trouble. However, it is an auspicious month for dealing with problematic Librans in your life.

Sagittarius: Wear a big hat and extra layers of clothes and the odds are no one will notice.

Capricorn: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Even if you are dead, if you’re reading this, it hasn’t been a total setback, has it?

Aquarius: The moon will be influencing you this month. Pay close attention to personal grooming and make sure to shave every few hours.

Pisces: Avoid encounters with the night soil man for your best chances of surviving the month.

Aries: Watch out for plans backfiring and angry chickens. But, you’ve got a more than fifty percent chance of survival, thanks to Uranus.

Taurus: Be careful where you put your feet and for the next few weeks, never put on shoes without checking to see who or what is already inside them.

Gemini: Expect awkward questions about personal hygiene this month. You’ll just have to try and stay down wind of everyone until the new moon brings some relief.

 

Words by Nimue Brown-art by Tom Brown