Tag Archives: Idris Po

New Hopeless Maine Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes have always been challenging on the island. When we can see the skies at night, they don’t reliably conform to expectation. Islanders who lived somewhere else before shipwrecking here do not always recognise our constellations.  To further complicate things, you may not know when you were born or what your star sign might be. It all makes plucking meaning from celestial bodies that bit harder. But who doesn’t like to try and pluck meaning from bodies?

Folklorist Idris Po has come up with a new system, the details of which are below. To find out your Hopeless Maine astrological sign, simply read the descriptions and see which one best matches you. Idris assures us that this will be as reliable for predicting the future as any other vague system designed to make generalised predictions for large numbers of diverse people.

The Bemused Starfish – you are largely confused most of the time.

The Succubus Wasp – you are sexy and dangerous and all of your relationships are messy.

The Bucket – you are sensible, pragmatic and well prepared.

Cuttlefish Overlords – you are pretentious, overconfident and may eventually take over.

The Night Soil Carrier – you are the bottom of the social pile and probably don’t smell so good.

The Ominous Watcher – you like to skulk about and may have more eyes than is usual.

The Ur-Deer – you are a shy woodland creature and largely ineffectual.

The Half Person – you are also half something else. How well are you hiding that?

The Large Angry Mammal. –  you are angry.  You may not actually be that large and you may not technically be a mammal.

The Scuttling Entity – you are anxious, fidgety and probably hiding behind a cupboard.

Mostly teeth – you smile too much and are generally hungry.

Night Potatoes – you know who you are but you probably won’t admit it.

Inexplicably Standing on the Roof – we can see you. No one knows why you keep doing this.

Shaun R’s fatal Speed Demon

By Frampton Jones

Shaun R is dead. I witnessed his demise, and it was almost too terrible to describe. Shaun died to a machine made of bone and metal. It looked almost like something contrived to please a demon, and I have no doubt that a demon dwelled within it. Whether Shaun summoned the demon himself, or accidentally attracted it with an aesthetically appealing and warm device, we will likely never know.

There was a terrible roar. A terrible smell. Motion to defy the senses and alarm the mind. What monstrosity had Shaun R cobbled together in his shed? What horror has he unleashed upon the island? For I cannot trust that this will be the last of the matter.

Folklorist Idris Po tells me that the lethal device resembled a bicycle – something familiar, apparently to people who started life elsewhere. Two wheels, and a seat. Proof if any further proof were needed that Hopeless is truly an island of sanity in a great sea of madness. How can anyone possibly balance on two wheels? Perhaps it was the unbalance that sealed Shaun’s fate. Perhaps the demon in the device was so affronted by this unnatural mode of travel that it ate him in self-defence. I think I might have been persuaded to do so in similar circumstances.

There wasn’t a great deal of Shaun to collect up and bury. Much of what remained had been badly chewed by the skull mounted on the front of the machine. Fortunately there was a shell-like construction within the shattered remains of the machine into which we were able to collect the chewed remains of Shaun. It seemed appropriate and safest to bury man and machine together. It also spared us some unpleasant labour separating the two. On the whole, given how self-determining the device seemed before it destroyed itself, burial seems a good choice – leaving it around might provide too much temptation for anyone else who craves speed and a way out.

Megan and the curse of the black dog

By Frampton Jones

Nearly a month ago, we lost Craig as he tried to protect us from mermaids. His death was, in part caused by an ominous black dog appearing on the beach. Folklorist Idris Po tells me that in some cultures, the black dog is seen as an omen of death and that this black dog may have been a manifestation of such mythology. Idris Po has been studying how folklore manifests here for some time, based, as I understand it on the knowledge that there are rather a lot of stories in which folklorists are the first to die from occult interference.

Megan already had one large, black dog of uncertain provenance. To the best of anyone’s knowledge, it behaved very much like a normal dog, aside from being more alive than is typical of our island hounds. This experience perhaps inclined her to think kindly of the black dog that appeared just before Craig’s death.

I grant you, it was a substantial and corporeal sort of dog, and not the kind of phantom Po tells me tend to presage death. It was however, also a rather hungry and slightly rabid dog. It greeted Megan with great enthusiasm, and promptly ate her.

“Normal dogs don’t tend to devour people whole in quite this way,” Idris Po said. “I saw the whole thing from a safe distance and am mystified. One massive gulp. It was impressive, but also disturbing.”

Friends of Megan intend to put up a sign warning people about the dog. Hopefully this will go better than Craig’s mermaid warning sign.

The Hopeless Maine Scientific Society intends to send a research party to investigate the status of the dog.  And we all know what that means.

Idris Po says he thinks he’s doing well for a folklorist in a scenario of folkloric danger, but that kind of optimism means we can probably expect to hear of his demise shortly.