Tag Archives: professor elemental

Two Headed Jim and the Death of the One Eyed Goat

I wrote this about two years ago. I remember that is was inspired by something Professor Elemental said – but whether it was that he very much wanted to read a story with this title, or never wanted to read one, I cannot recall. I don’t always respond well to people going ‘never do this’ if I think it will be funny… it was originally posted to Patreon – many thanks to everyone who helps fun me doing this sort of daftness.

Being a grim and troubling novel, set upon the island of Hopeless Maine. Great mystery surrounds this novel, including the mystery of why the author ever let anyone else read it, and the mystery of what on earth was even going on in the final chapter.

Chapter one: It begins in gore. Our central character is liberated from his mother’s exhausted body by people who know nothing about caesareans, but who once had a drunken conversation about the procedure with Doc Willoughby. Despite the two heads, the child is only given one name.

Chapter two: In which very little happens that is memorable, but we learn that Jim Chevin’s two headed status is likely the consequence of there being too little variety in his gene pool. Things are muttered darkly, but no one comes out with it and says ‘incest’ as it’s clearly more gothic to just imply that.

Chapter three: Jim Chevin grows up feeling angry and misunderstood. He expresses this through inexplicable acts of weirdness towards sea creatures. We assume the author means us to sympathise with his condition but most likely it will just make you feel a bit queasy about whelks.

Chapter four: Jim Chevin graduates to doing fairly sinister things with chickens. He also does peculiar things with feathers that may or may not be a metaphor for his troubled inner life. No one around him cares. The reader probably doesn’t care either and only struggles on because the book hype promised “unspeakable horrors that will literally make you cack yourself.” And who can resist the lure of that kind of marketing?

Chapter five: In which there are unspeakable horrors and you cack yourself.

Chapter six: This chapter seems to have been written carelessly and in haste, perhaps in the assumption that no one would make it beyond the shocking events of chapter five. However, at this point there is, finally, a brief mention of the one eyed goat.

Chapter seven: This chapter is an unexpected climax for the story, pitting man (well, Jim) against nature (the goat) and it seems to belong in an entirely different sort of novel. The sort of novel in which men battle giant otters, angry fish, unreasonable landscapes and so forth. Jim confronts his lifelong nemesis, the one eyed goat. None of the preceding chapters in any way support this plot development. Man and goat are involved in an epic, cliff top battle. The goat plunges to his doom in the sea. In a strange act of continuity, whelks are involved.

Chapter eight: This chapter gives every impression of having been written by someone else entirely – someone who only read the title and not the rest of the book. This author expounds at length on the various moral and philosophical truths we can take from the story of two headed Jim and the death of the one eyed goat. The word ‘pathos’ is used seventeen times in this chapter, while the term ‘over intellectualising’ doesn’t even come up once.

Moog Gravett – if only his beard had been some other colour

By Frampton Jones

Of course these recent fallings out of the sky are by no means the first that we’d had to deal with on Hopeless. Those of you who have not yourselves recently wrecked here in one way or another, will recall that Moog Gravett also fell out of the sky.

He had an odd tale to tell. Apparently he had boarded some kind of flying machine belonging to one Professor Elemental. I have, ever since this time, been one of the many islanders to be inflicted with re-occurring nightmares about this gentleman and his inventions. Given the many horrors that have left little or no mark on me over the years, this is quite some achievement.

Moog has been a delightful chap to have around, I will miss him. I will miss his unique approaches to the maintenance of facial hair, and the things he did to ducks. I try not to be sentimental about the dead – we have so many of them after all. I may make an exception in his case. Thus far there are no signs that he will return to us in spectral form and I admit to being disappointed.

His death was as bizarre as it was pointless, and my being proved right about everything gives me little comfort. Of course the red weed menace was part of a larger cycle. The red weed has gone now, entirely eaten by the giant cow that solidified out of the mist. Unfortunately, said giant cow trampled Moog to death and ate his beard before going on the red weed eating rampage I had been hoping for.

Whether there were further fatalities, is not currently known. Please do check and count the children in your household and be alert to the possibility that absent relatives may have been ground under hoof rather than whatever fate you had assumed was theirs.

The giant cow is at present mostly active in the Gaunt Street area, and seems inclined to eat anything red. You have been warned.

 

Moog and his beard can be found on youtube – https://www.youtube.com/user/iammoog/videos where there is nothing at all about ducks and quite a bit of his work with Professor Elemental.

The kickstarter we’re currently doing is over here, and also, thanks to the stretch goals, has a bit of Professor Elemental in it. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrostov/tales-of-hopeless-maine 

I say Hopeless, you say Maine…

Druid Life

As I write this, I’m still recovering from a most amazing weekend. Stroud had its first Steampunk Weekend, run by John Bassett – he’s a very creative local chap and also an excellent organiser of things. When he expressed an interest in Steampunk last year, Tom and I were very excited and piled in as best we could to help. Tom was heavily implicated in sorting out the day program and we both did a fair amount of luring people in.

It was a touch surreal seeing people we normally have to travel to spend time with. It was also rather lovely getting people from afar who we really like and being able to share them with local friends. There’s a particular pleasure in watching people I like connecting with each other, and this is one of the things a Steampunk weekend can be counted on to do. Steampunk is…

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In which Cliff Cumber is amazing

Hello people! (and others)

It is long past time we dedicated a whole piece to an amazing member of the Hopeless, Maine creative tribe-Cliff Cumber.

We met Cliff on Twitter a while back, and were lucky enough to lure him to the island. He did much of the art for Tales From the Squid and Teapot (some of the very best of it, I would say) He created the art for the Hopeless, Maine tourist bureau (which we still proudly display at events) and then…when we asked him to contribute art to the Hopeless, Maine tabletop RPG- Travels in Hopeless, he bravely stepped forward. Much of the art in the bestiary section is his. (and I got to colour some of it also! ) His Gnii illustration is one of my favourite pieces of HM art at all-ever. Oh! Yes. AND he has a pin up in Sinners! (Two fantastic Sal drawings) Look here, and you will see some selected highlights from his work for Travels in Hopeless.

Mr Cumber was originally from the UK and moved to the US to marry (exact mirror of my own journey) and now does art for comics and several projects for our great friend Professor Elemental!

Go and visit him on twitter and tell him we sent you!

Hopeless, Maine goes forth.

Hello, again people (and others)!

We are going to indulge in a general catch up sort of Vendetta before we plunge back into the community generated Hopeless, Maine material. (of which there is a lot)

Things have been happening. Several of them. Some of them all at once. The next graphic novel installment of Hopeless, Maine (Sinners) is due out in early June from Sloth Comics, so it is time to get started on the next volume.  The next volume will be titled….something. We have not actually decided yet. We have figured out that the narrative that will be told over the two page spreads will be about Drury going on a bit of a rampage and encountering (By which I mostly mean, “trying to bite”) the local fauna. Spoonwalkers and Night potatoes and Dustcats have been shockingly popular with you all, so we will deliver in this series. (also, we rather love them, and we all need a bit of whimsey at the moment, I think) Here is the pencil stage of the first two page spread. Nimue is in the process of colouring it now, and i’ll share the finished version on the social medias no doubt. (Oh, I’m @GothicalTomB on twitter and Nimue is @Nimue_B)

Right. Art. Here it is.

If you have not met Drury yet, you are going to love him, I confidently predict. The chap chasing him is Donald, who Drury has attached himself to. Donald is a bit of an homage to Edward Gorey (Dresses like a Gorey drawing and has the “G” on his jumper”

 

So, the other things. Well, the Hopeless, Maine RPG written by Keith Healing (with bits by other Vendetta contributors) has a (new) publisher and is nearly complete. You will be hearing more about that in the autumn of this year. I’m just silly amounts of excited imagining people sort of co-creating as they explore the island in an RPG . Inventing personas, populating the island with people and further strangeness… In a week or so there is going to be a test campaign DMed by Keith. We will be on hand to watch, take notes and pictures, and eat free food. There will be content from that here on the Vendetta so stay tuned. Here is one of the pieces of art I have done for the Game. (which will also feature art from Cliff Cumber!)

 

There is also a Hopeless, Maine tarot deck in progress. It is mostly written by the frankly rather amazing Laura Perry. No projected date on this, as I have a few cards left to draw, but it is not far away.

Here is an image done specifically for the deck. It’s Balthazar Lemon as the King of Flames (wands)

There is an illustrated prose book (New England Gothic- written by Nimue) that should be out soon, and…another possible thing that I cannot discuss just yet (Though the mere possibility makes me giddy) OH! Yes. Ald also (hopefully timed with the release of Sinners) a Professor Elemental Hopeless, Maine song. (This is a thing we have wanted for *years* and it is finally coming to pass)

So, that’s probably it for now. Lots of paper to get dirty.

Be splendid to each other, please and as always, I hope this finds you well, inspired, and thriving. (If it does not, cake is always good)