Tag Archives: library

Paul Jarman’s final chapter

By Frampton Jones

In the months since his arrival on our island, Paul Jarman has made a number of startling suggestions. That libraries should be places where people can go to read and borrow books has divided opinions. Many young islanders are taken with the notion of having more reading material than my humble newssheet. A fair few people like the idea of a library as a place you might visit, not nervously avoid.

Our deceased Librarian Theophrastus Frog has maintained however, that people are not good for books and that frequently, books are not good for people and it is best to keep the two separately.

The launch of The New Hopeless Maine Library for People Who Want to Read was initially a success. Many book owners donated from their own collections, and offered their own writings. As a consequence, Paul Jarman’s new library had dozens of books in it, and regular visitors. However, in recent days things have taken a dramatic turn.

Paul’s body was found this morning, in a blood spattered scene that spoke all too clearly of murder. Paul’s ghost was very much resident at the scene as well, but unable to say anything useful about how he had died. What he did say, goes as follows.

“I understand now. Some books are not good for people. Some books should be hidden away. I must remain here now, and make sure that the books are safe from the people, and that the people are safe from the books.”

So now we have two libraries with ghostly librarians who see it as their job to keep people out, and frankly, I do not believe this to be a coincidence.

Our unquiet youth?

Not only do we have a disturbing number of missing persons in Hopeless this autumn, we also have a most perplexing missing body. The recently exhumed remains, as displayed in the Memorial Library, have gone missing. Librarian Vortigern Frog claims to have seen nothing, and to have no idea how the bones disappeared. Thieves left the grave goods, making this look more like a joke than not. It depresses me that anyone might find such pointless things amusing. Dear citizens, can we not do better than this?

Reverend Davies tells me that vandalism has been a problem in the graveyard lately, with signs of digging and other disturbances. What is becoming of the young people of Hopeless? How have we let this come to pass? Each of us has a responsibility to install better morals into our young people, and to make sure they are kept busy and productive, rather than being left to run amok.

Why?

 

leaving the scene of the crime.
leaving the scene of the crime.

 

Some bright spark left the word ‘Why’ outside my front door the day after last week’s Vendetta came out. Once again, the word was formed out of sea life, although this time there were several crabs and a starfish. At least I assume the word was ‘why’ as what may have been part of the central bar of the ‘h’ was still alive and some distance down the road. I beleive this to have been a childish prank.

No big news story this week, dear readers. The excitement with the new grave has led to much speculation, but as yet no answers. Science is slow, I am told. Anyone wishing to view the bones and grave goods can do so at the library.

Mushroom Danger!

 

This could happen to you.
This could happen to you.

 

If you don’t know what it is, don’t eat it! That would be good advice for any new and untried food stuff. (I’ve had seventeen claims that The Crow’s Windfall Pie was poisonous). Mushrooms are coming into season. Some are very good to eat. The little white ones with black undersides are fine, but do not mistake them for the little white ones with a rather unwholesome green underside. Not only will these make you sick, but they are guaranteed to give you at least a week of wishing you were dead. Make sure your children are not tempted by the big shiny red ones – remember what happened last year with the hallucinated demon scare? And the year before when young Jaime Boff set fire to the town’s library because he was convinced it was going to eat him.

 

If in doubt, don’t! And that goes for novelty foodstuffs offered by The Crow, as well. Windfall Pie is now off the menu, I am pleased to tell you, replaced by ‘Roots in Pastry’ which sounds a good deal safer.

 I no longer have boils. Thank you to everyone who expressed concern.