By Frampton Jones
The Brown Lining coffee shop is usually a quiet place. Few people who drink there once are moved to re-visit. For most of us, a single cup of Master Scutcheon Bugleblower’s infamous brew is more than enough. There is the lure of the novelty, the desire to test one’s robustness against the effects of the hairy coffee. It may be something of a rite of passage to down a cup of the hideous brew.
Lindsay was a recent arrival to the island. I can only assume she came to us from a place where coffee is not a thing to mistrust. Truly, she had a remarkable constitution. Eye-witnesses claim that she has been to The Brown Lining every day since her arrival, often downing more than one cup of the infamous hairy coffee, and showing every signs of enjoying it. Such an unusual occurrence was this, that crowds had started to gather to watch through the window as she smiled at Master Scutcheon and drank cups of the beverage, seemingly oblivious to the hairiness of it.
Consequently there were many witnesses to that final cup. Apparently the hairy coffee reached up towards her face, flowing upwards in a truly disturbing manner and killing her instantly.
Her body remains where she sat in life. The hairy coffee remains active. No one has ventured into The Brown Lining, although Master Scutcheon himself has been out into the street several times. He told me he is hoping that he will be able to harvest fungi from Lindsay, who may, he tells me, be the Goddess Kafeteria herself, manifesting physically so as to bring us even hairier coffee for the future. Thus far, no one has tried to stop this gruesome plan.
Doc Willoughby, having viewed the body through the window told me, “this is what happens when you let women go out by themselves, they never…” but was unable to finish the statement as three Miss Joneses laid into him with assorted blunt weaponry.
Islanders who do not properly appreciate the dangers and delights of hairy coffee can find out more here – https://hopelessvendetta.wordpress.com/2017/05/19/master-scutcheons-hairy-coffee/
Master Scutcheon Bugleblower of Hopeless Maine has recently released a new beverage from his coffee concoctionary (otherwise known as his cellar). Master Scutcheon is well known for his Brown Lining coffee shop, where he has sold many strange and very brown coffees to the unfortunate souls who were lured in by the promise of ‘Genuine Coffee Liquid in A Cup’.
This new beverage has been named by Master Scutcheon as ‘Hairy Coffee’. After having left a cup of coffee lying about for several weeks and accidentally sprinkling exotic fungi spores into it, Scutcheon found himself confronted one morning by a large cup coated with hair, underneath which when he had managed to summon up enough gumption, he found lurking some coffee whose taste sent him into an ‘exquisite reverie’ that made him fall in love with coffee again and renew his vows to the Goddess Kafeteria.
Scutcheon then proceeded to find out how he had created this hairy coffee and having spent several months obsessively perfecting the right amount of fungi spores needed to create the ideal coating of hair, he finally announced from his shop door the dawn of a new age in coffee culture. Scutcheon has strong views about what constitutes real coffee, which he proudly tells anyone who asks, were passed down from his grandmother. Real coffee as he believes is all about the Brown Lining. This he will not elaborate on, so zealous is he about keeping his coffee recipes secret, but as drinkers of his coffee will tell you: ‘Brown and more brown, combining into a strata of solid brownness upon which you can rotate your finger for up to a minute without anything giving way’ often is what you find Scutcheon making and serving you.
A Hairy Coffee public trial day was held last week at the Brown Lining, where Scutcheon appeared apparelled unfailingly in his brown matching breeches, jacket, waistcoat, and tricorn hat. Several individuals participated, whether they were tricked into it or chose out of their own will, is as yet unknown. The Hairy Coffee was reverentially served with several of his stale biscuits from the bottom of the tin. At the time of the drinking Scutcheon gave a libation to the Goddess Kafeteria, and then he began to chew meditatively on one of his finest stale biscuits, enjoying the sound from the kitchen of his huge greasy coffee vat slowly congealing. The Hairy Coffee was particularly hairy that morning.
(By Robin Collins- art by Tom Brown)