Tag Archives: fish

A spell for divination

Take a fish. What sort of fish it is, matters. It is as well to understand the nature of the fish.

Put the fish onto The Plate Of Divination. The fish will tell your fortune.

If you have chosen a fairy fish, it will not simply tell you of the future. It may help you create the future.

If you have used the wrong sort of fish, it may attempt to eat your head. It is best to be ready for this eventuality.

Do not, under any circumstances, use the head of a mermaid.

Even if you are a fish, it is not a good idea to use your own head. However much you worry about the future, your head is not the answer. Use anything except your own head.

But obviously, don’t use blood. You know what happens to magical items when you use blood.

Wash everything carefully afterwards.

We knew you thought you knew better. You were supposed to use a fish. Now look at you. This is what happens when you don’t read your occult texts properly.

(Sea dragon and fish divination spell by Nimue, based on an idea by Dr Abbey).

Our Organ Restored!

What does God smell like?

(Frampton Jones)

I am pleased to announce that the repair of our church organ has been an almost complete success. Testimony Albatross’s fabulous device has been repaired by Balthazar Lemon, with some curious additions. The repaired organ was played this Sunday by Mrs Sophie Davies, and the music delighted everyone. Some doubts remain however, over the smells the organ now releases. The original Testimony Albatross design included a large tank, the purpose of which no one had truly understood. It is now full of fish (see photograph). I suspect it is no coincidence that, when played, the organ now fills the church with a distinctly fishy smell.

Questioned on the matter, Balthazar Lemon said, “It’s obvious this is how the organ was designed. It sounds better now.” He has a point. Filling the tank seems necessary. Lemon continued, “The organ is a thing of beauty, designed to bring us closer to God, through sound, scent and visual impact.” I asked him why he had filled the tank with fish, and not, for example with flowers, fruit or some other more appealing thing. He responded by saying, “What do you think God smells like?”

No Marriages

There was a peculiar scene at the Church last Wednesday when Balthazar Lemon appeared with a very large and dead cod that he demanded to be formally married to. The union did not take place, Reverend Davies having carefully explained that the sacrament of marriage involves one man and one woman, not one man and one expired fish. Mister Lemon’s longstanding and well known fish obsession has caused some speculation as to whether he is the one using them as a writing medium.