Missing Boat Found!

(By Modesty Jones)

Boat mystery solved! Pointy at both ends and the property of Finneous Smaals! It turned up with the missing girl in it, so I’m guessing she took it in the first place, which seems a weird thing to do if you ask me.

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No Spoons!

Where the spoons aren't

(by Modesty Jones)

All the spoons have gone missing from The Crow!

Mrs Hester Ephemery says it is a mystery, and they’ve all disappeared in the last week. Knives and forks have not been taken.

Is there a spoon thief at work in Hopeless? Have they struck elsewhere? Let us know if your spoons have gone missing. Mrs Ephemery says it’s making the cooking difficult, but The Crow is still open for business.

Back at the press

(from Frampton Jones) I can only apologise for the abysmal quality of last week’s Vendetta. Apparently they had to tie me to a chair. It has been most embarrassing, but I have since been able to educate my nephew in the correct use of the press! Doc Willoughby says that I can start going out again now. They have taken away my old camera and smashed it up. I regret this. I feel there were mysteries I was close to solving, and now that knowledge is lost.

This newsletter edition is brought to you by Doc Willoughby and Modesty Jones.

Frampton Jones has not been very well.    Now that we have taken the camera off him, we   think hope he will get better soon.

There was a fire in Al Chevin’s barn. No one was hurt. ..

Arlingham Jones says  he’s seen a ghost and he’s pretty sure it was Miss Greta Calder.

Jed Grimes s ays he has lots of bits of string for sale this week.    You can do lots of stuff with string. It’s really useful.  #

Piety and Malcolm Attila have had a daughter but apparently don’t know what to call her but don’t want any more suggestions thank you!

 

 

Otherwise we haven’t been able to find much news so probably nothing much happened.

What Beautiful Babies

Bertram Chevin, in all his glory.

Normally I don’t care much for the beautiful baby competition, but this year my camera cast the whole event in an entirely different shape.

All the usual array of mothers and bored dignitaries turned out to look at our island’s most recent offspring. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, to our eyes they looked so much like children. You could almost believe they were of human stock! The camera sees differently. Does it capture their true forms? I think it does.

The more pictures I take of you all, the more clearly I see you for what you are. Phantasms and nightmares.  I have not yet managed to photograph myself. Am I the same as you? Am I the one true person here? Sometimes it feels like that. Do you know what you really are, beneath the surface? Or do you think you are real? People of Hopeless, look upon the beautiful babies, and know the horror of your own nature!

Monsters and Mysteries

another setback for the bridge

All this week, sea monster sightings have moved progressively closer to land. Many fisher folk have reported strange things in the water. On Monday morning, disaster struck, as a terrifying, tentacle beast from the deep tore into the bridge. Workers fled in panic as boards were smashed, and the furthest section reduced to little more than firewood. We lost a week’s work in half an hour. However, the bridge team are not defeated, although questions have been raised about the viability of the project. We must consider defending the bridge from hostile sea creatures.

 During the half an hour of carnage, I was able to take this picture. I have new camera lenses, thanks to the ingenuity of Arthur Gibbous. However, the camera is still being peculiar. With the naked eye, numerous witnesses clearly saw the tentacles destroying our work. No one observed the floating entities with their disturbingly human faces. Does the camera lie? Is it capturing a truth beyond our perceptions? If these entities were present on Monday, I have no idea what they were. They appear to have emerged from the sea and do resemble jellyfish a little. Has anyone seen them before?

Life without the lens

and still, there are tentacles

Since last week, Reverend Davies has exorcised my camera. Annamarie Nightshade has charmed it. Doc Willoughby took the lens off and cleaned it with alcohol, and Arthur Gibbous, glasses maker and inventor, took the whole thing apart and put it back together again.

 Currently, photographs, once developed, all look like the image I have published alongside this article. Consequently I cannot tell you if this is the picture I took of Parables Chevins’ remarkable meese (they’re emerging early this year!) or my attempt to capture an image of the sea creature that appeared off our shores on Tuesday. It might, equally, have been the outrageous street scene that followed a fire in a house of ill repute on Wednesday, or the frankly improbable wedding dress worn by Chastity Jones for her marriage to Exodus Chevins on Friday last. I didn’t know we had that many rodents on the island, and the patience required to skin and stitch them must have been tremendous.

News for the residents of Hopeless, Maine.