There was a peculiar scene at the Church last Wednesday when Balthazar Lemon appeared with a very large and dead cod that he demanded to be formally married to. The union did not take place, Reverend Davies having carefully explained that the sacrament of marriage involves one man and one woman, not one man and one expired fish. Mister Lemon’s longstanding and well known fish obsession has caused some speculation as to whether he is the one using them as a writing medium.
Births – Solidarity Jones, born to Cadence and Integrity Jones last Tuesday.
Deaths – The body of Vortigern Frog was discovered on the Library steps on Thursday morning. However, the ghost of Vortigern Frog remains very much a presence in the Memorial Library and will clearly be continuing as librarian. The fates of those returning books late may be too terrible to describe.
Missing: Desmond Hector.
Found: Regina Higsbottom was found drunk in the woods at the weekend, so that’s one mystery solved.
Deaths: Guinever Frog died peacefully in her sleep, aged 102.
Births: Mrs Erma Chevin has given birth to triplets! Congratulations to all four.
Mongomery Psalms Chevin born Tuesday last and doing well. Parents Eloise Chevin and Marmaduke Corinthians Chevin invite everyone to attend the Christening next Saturday.
And another virtue for the Jones clan – Punctuality Jones, (younger brother to Politeness and Perseverance) arrived in the world on Thursday morning, exactly as expected. Hence the name.
Marriages: Petulant Jones and Armitage Chevin married on Tuesday afternoon, keeping up a long tradition of intermarriage between these two family lines. It was a charming ceremony. The bride wore a floral dress, the fabric for which had very likely been made with furniture coverings in mind.
Deaths: One child, unidentifiable, probably drowned. I’m not aware of any lost children this week, but if you are missing an infant, speak to Justus Frog, who found the body.
Since the birth of Abigail Looming’s fish child, I’ve not had any reports from new parents about their recent arrivals. Does this mean there have been no births, or that we are overwhelmed with other strange offspring that no one wishes to admit to?
Abigail Looming has given birth to a fish, or so I have been told. The creature was returned to the waters on Tuesday last, and swam off. It has not been seen since, but the mother is recovering well. The father of Abigail Looming’s unlikely offspring remains unknown, although questions are now being asked about his species.
Deaths – Audrey Pickett, 79, a rare case of natural causes. Funeral Thursday.
Bendigo Weaselgrease, 7, partially eaten by creature or creatures unknown. Funeral Friday.
The rest of Millicent Cobbage will be buried on Thursday evening, with special prayers, in the hopes that she can now rest in peace.
Births – Angel StJohn Goodfellow, born on Wednesday afternoon to Glory StJohn Goodfellow and StJohn StJohn Goodfellow.
Arnold Sanctity Brown, born midnight Thursday to Hephziba Brown and Veritable Brown.
Congratulations to both families, keep up the good work!
Deaths: Millicent Cobbage, 84, dismembered. Funeral Thursday.
Jobe Mathias, 26 ex-sanguinated . Funeral Monday.
Regan Higsbottom, 42, missing for two weeks, declared dead. Church service Friday.
Births and Marriages. It is to be noted that we didn’t have any of either this week, and by my calculation if we keep this up for too long, we won’t have a population at all in fifty years time. I call upon the parents of Hopeless to take a responsible stance and ensure that your offspring are encouraged to go for nice walks with suitable others! You hardly see any courting couples about on the island. It’s a scandal!