Hopeless Hearts

Spring is coming. As the sap rises, the people of Hopeless, Maine consider taking off at least some of their coats, and unwrapping their faces. Inevitably, with such flagrant displays of flesh, many find that their thoughts turn to romance. And so it is that some of them leave expressions of hope and longing on the big black board outside Frampton Jones’s house…

Does anyone want my spleen? I’ve been offering up my heart to people for years and that’s not working out well for me so I’m just wondering if there are any other body parts that would be more persuasive? Can I court anyone with my kidneys? Are you the sort of person who would be impressed if I showed you how far my digestive system goes when stretched out? 

Quiet man seeks quiet man for sitting in front of the fire with. Willingness to be stared at obsessively for hours at a time a distinct advantage. I have three books and my own tablecloths.

Small woman with large posterior would like to spend time with someone who has a lot of teeth – ideally not just their own teeth. Location of teeth not an issue. 

Are you very good at cooking? Do you like washing socks? Can you make chickens behave? Do you need a powerful man to tell you what to do? Did you shipwreck here so there’s a fighting chance we aren’t very closely related to each other? I will be at The Crow tomorrow afternoon interviewing all of the women who want to be my wife. 

Are you looking for romance? Do you long to be adored and cherished? Meet me in the graveyard in Gaunt Town tonight for courtship, and attentive neck kissing. Bare necks are preferred. Lively constitution an advantage.


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