Coming Home

“I am so bored! Being dead is dreadfully tedious, Philomena.”
Marjorie Toadsmoor, Hopeless Maine’s most recent resident to join the ranks of the island’s ghosts, sat on a rock and gazed miserably at her friend.
Philomena frowned.
“I wish I could make it easier for you,” she said. “Maybe I could visit more often.”
“No… it’s too dangerous,” said Marjorie. “There are too many horrible things lurking around at night. You would be as dead as I am in no time at all.”
“Oh, I don’t think so,” replied Philomena, breezily. “After all, I’ve never had any problem being out after dark.”
“But you have a guardian, a protector.”
“Old Drury? He wanders off as much as he’s with me.”
Marjorie flickered disconcertingly in the evening mist.
“I didn’t mean Drury. Mr Cranham, the Night-Soil Man is always looking out for you.”
“Rhys?” Philomena gave a little laugh. “No, you’re wrong, he’s far too busy… and why would he?”
“Oh, Philomena,” said the ghost wearily, “don’t you know? Look over there, out towards Scilly Point. He’s there now, not fifty yards away, making sure that you’re alright.”
Philomena turned and looked at the spot to which Marjorie had referred. All she could see was an unusual rock formation looming in the fog. Then, to her surprise, the unusual rock formation jumped up and banged its foot on the ground, in an effort to ward off a sudden twinge of cramp.
“Does he always follow me?” asked Philomena, taken aback.
“Whenever you visit,” replied Marjorie. “I think he worries about you.”
Philomena fell silent and was glad that the misty darkness concealed the fact that she was blushing.
Although Philomena was grateful that Rhys was there to protect her, she was aware that while he was guarding her he was not doing his work. If she went wandering around in the dark too often, he would get nothing done.
The thoughts of what might happen to Hopeless without the services of the Night-Soil Man made her shudder.
“Don’t worry, Marjorie,” she said reassuringly to her ghostly friend. “I’ll think of something before tomorrow.”

Regular readers will be aware that Marjorie had died, partly from grief but mainly by being blown over by a freak gust of wind, when she thought that she had been rejected by her lover, Linus Pinfarthing. Linus was currently in a permanent state of alcoholic stupefaction, and being tormented by Trickster, who had taken the guise of a white hare, which Linus erroneously believed to be the vengeful spirit of Marjorie.

The following night Miss Calder, who oversaw the smooth running of the Pallid Rock Orphanage, came to visit Marjorie. Being abroad after dark held few terrors for her, having been deceased, and a wraith herself, for some time. Good-natured and charming as she was, Miss Calder had an annoying propensity for absent-mindedly allowing her face to become skeletal when deep in thought. This was an unfortunate trait, and regarded by many as being somewhat unsociable, not to say horrific.

“I do so miss your help at the orphanage,” said Miss Calder. “The children miss you as well.”
“Those days are gone forever,” wailed Marjorie mournfully. The sound was enough to freeze the blood of any who chose to be abroad at that time.
“Possibly not…” replied Miss Calder enigmatically. “I have been talking to Miss Bucket. She has a plan… I won‘t say too much at the moment, I don’t want you to get your hopes up, but cross fingers.”
“I would if I could,” said Marjorie, “but they keep slipping through each other.”

Philomena reflected, with wry amusement, that most of her friends these days were ghosts. Besides Marjorie and Miss Calder, Philomena liked to engage in an occasional chat with Lady Margaret D’Avening, The Headless White Lady, who haunted the flushing privy of The Squid and Teapot. The Tudor mansion that Lady Margaret had originally haunted had been sold, disassembled and sent to Connecticut, where a millionaire planned to rebuild it on his estate. Sadly, the carefully numbered pallets of Cotswold stone had never been collected from the quay at Newhaven and little by little they had been ‘liberated’ by those requiring repairs to their walls and outhouses, until the last few remaining blocks were taken by an enterprising sea-captain, who promptly lost his ship, his crew and his life on the rocks around Hopeless, Maine. The stone blocks, and the flushing privy from the captain’s cabin, were salvaged and made a handsome addition to the ground-plan of The Squid and Teapot. What no one appreciated at the time was that the ghost of Lady Margaret had taken refuge in one of the blocks and was forever doomed to haunt its immediate proximity.
In the course of conversation Philomena learned from Lady Margaret that she had enjoyed several jaunts away from The Squid by the simple expedient of having someone deposit a block, which had been carefully prised from the privy wall, at various parts of the island.
“If it works for Lady Margaret, then why not Marjorie?” reasoned Philomena.

There was a certain amount of trial and error involved in getting Philomena’s plan to work. It had to be established which bits of rock, scattered around the scene of Marjorie’s demise, she was able to inhabit. Try as she might, the ghost found herself unable to get into anything smaller in size than she had been in life. It must be remembered that Cotswold stone is Oolitic limestone, which is far more porous than the dense granite rocks around Hopeless, and therefore an easier space for a ghost to occupy.
The problem was not insurmountable, and a note pinned to Rhys Cranham’s door was enough to have the Night-Soil Man wheeling the designated rock across the island to the orphanage, where Miss Calder waited expectantly; she was always very happy to see Rhys, much to his dismay (I think it was the inter-dimensional complications of a relationship with a wraith, not to mention the occasional skeletal-face thing, that put him off).
Under cover of darkness, so as not to upset the children with his trademark odour, Rhys set the stone into the ground, where it sat like a small monolith, just outside the orphanage.
Almost shyly, the following night, Marjorie drifted out of her new abode and looked about her, gratefully. It would take a while for her to learn how to become visible in daylight and, like Miss Calder, be able to wander around the orphanage, and maybe even the island one day. That, for now did not matter; the ghost of Marjorie Toadsmoor had come home.

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