Lindsay died of hairy coffee

By Frampton Jones

The Brown Lining coffee shop is usually a quiet place. Few people who drink there once are moved to re-visit. For most of us, a single cup of Master Scutcheon Bugleblower’s infamous brew is more than enough. There is the lure of the novelty, the desire to test one’s robustness against the effects of the hairy coffee. It may be something of a rite of passage to down a cup of the hideous brew.

Lindsay was a recent arrival to the island. I can only assume she came to us from a place where coffee is not a thing to mistrust. Truly, she had a remarkable constitution. Eye-witnesses claim that she has been to The Brown Lining every day since her arrival, often downing more than one cup of the infamous hairy coffee, and showing every signs of enjoying it. Such an unusual occurrence was this, that crowds had started to gather to watch through the window as she smiled at Master Scutcheon and drank cups of the beverage, seemingly oblivious to the hairiness of it.

Consequently there were many witnesses to that final cup. Apparently the hairy coffee reached up towards her face, flowing upwards in a truly disturbing manner and killing her instantly.

Her body remains where she sat in life. The hairy coffee remains active. No one has ventured into The Brown Lining, although Master Scutcheon himself has been out into the street several times. He told me he is hoping that he will be able to harvest fungi from Lindsay, who may, he tells me, be the Goddess Kafeteria herself, manifesting physically so as to bring us even hairier coffee for the future. Thus far, no one has tried to stop this gruesome plan.

Doc Willoughby, having viewed the body through the window told me, “this is what happens when you let women go out by themselves, they never…” but was unable to finish the statement as three Miss Joneses laid into him with assorted blunt weaponry.


Islanders who do not properly appreciate the dangers and delights of hairy coffee can find out more here –

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