This edition of the Hopeless Vendetta classified ads section came out of a workshop at The Asylum. And by ‘The Asylum’ we mean that big steampunk gathering in Lincoln. Thank you, everyone who took part.
Scavenger for island wrecks. Must be able to carry heavy loads. Wings, experience and sanity optional.
Airship windows cleaned (tethered ships only) Polished portholes.
Tree herder. Any trees herded except pine.
Pine tree herder. No other trees herded.
Tentokil – Do you have a problem with cephalopods? Annoyed by octopi? Niggled by rising squid? Clean, neat and keen, Tentokil™ will be delighted to de-infest your domicile. Professional and discreet, you won’t know we have been. Contact by semaphore.
Wanted urgently, unclaimed soul. Delivery before the rising of the next new moon or not at all.
Wanted: Teaspoons as all of mine have gone missing. Please respond quickly as my need for tea is urgent. Contact Merriweather Jones, the Old Church House.
Wanted: Metal neck brace, preferably coated in garlic.
Wanted: Arm replacement for a human. Silver or any shiny metal would be best, please.
Wanted: gold paid for any information regarding the dark, malign entity that lurks in the depths beyond the shores of this isle. Contact the Captain on the Southern Sands.
Wanted: A bigger boat.
Lost and found:
Lost: Dead cat. Fond of mice, cheese. Tabby pattern. 3 lives left.
Lost: Missing arm. Taken by stranger who started licking the bloody end. Would like it back soon.
Lost: Pitchfork. Probably dropped near the old windmill during the last mob. Has arm stuck on prongs. I hadn’t finished eating it.
Found: Assorted body parts. Various states of decay. If any of these may be yours, please contact soon as some are unable to disintegrate.
Lost: Feathers, 3ft long, purple and green.
Found: Feathers, 4ft long red and blue.
Lost: My sister Mary, who is identical to myself, completely real and in no way fictitious.
Lost: 2 gallons of wine. It was here last night, before my house went sideways.
Found: Smaller boat.
Wanted: beautiful, rich, young lady, 18-25, preferably who won’t try to murder me this time.
Real person who is not at all imaginary in any way seeks gentleman with the requisite number of fingers and toes for companionship and quiet contemplation. Must be prepared to meet alone.
Lonely spoon seeking other cutlery for a fun time. Will try any arrangement. Bring your own brasso. Sporks need not apply.