Community News

Deaths: Millicent Cobbage, 84, dismembered. Funeral Thursday.

 Jobe Mathias, 26 ex-sanguinated . Funeral Monday.

Regan Higsbottom, 42, missing for two weeks, declared dead. Church service Friday.

Births and Marriages. It is to be noted that we didn’t have any of either this week, and by my calculation if we keep this up for too long, we won’t have a population at all in fifty years time. I call upon the parents of Hopeless to take a responsible stance and ensure that your offspring are encouraged to go for nice walks with suitable others! You hardly see any courting couples about on the island. It’s a scandal!

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6 thoughts on “Community News”

  1. There is some news here regarding Millicent Cobbage.
    Bits of her have now camped themselves in our kitchen and are demanding tea.

    Advice?

    Sincerely,
    Howard P. Lane

    (concerned citizen)

  2. It also occurs to me that if any members of the Cobbage family wish to claim these portions (whose persistent demands for tea are causing us some concern, not to mention lack of sleep) we will graciously, and cheerfully part with them.

    My good wife wishes me to add that visits from any members of the Cobbage family are always welcome.

    Sincerely,
    Howard P. Lane
    (somewhat alarmed citizen)

  3. I have passed your message along to the Cobbage family. They said to tell you that if you have any of Doc Willoughby’s Special Tonic, add that to the tea. Apparently it worked when she was alive.

  4. No boring “natural causes” or blasé diseases – nope, we got’cher dismemberments and exsanguination here!!

    Now move along, nothing to see here … *blank stare*

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